Choices, choices

It's been a long time since I went on a holiday. Well, that's one way of looking at it... One could also say that I'm still on holiday, a holiday that's lasted for almost two years now.

Life here in The Netherlands has been good. I really enjoy my job, have some pretty awesome friends, and feel at peace with myself. It's not a glamorous life or a very exciting one just right now, however all things can change!

At the moment, my life is simple. Easy. Uncomplicated. Boring even, quite a lot of the time. I will most definitely go stir-crazy if I have to live this life for another two years, however for these past two years, it's been what I needed. Living a simple and easy life has allowed me to get settled in, it's allowed me to save up, it's allowed me to get a job and make friends and figure out what I want without a whole lot of stress.

And now I'm going on holiday. I'm going back to New Zealand.
I'm excited and looking forward to it, however I'm also a bit apprehensive.

I love New Zealand, and I miss it. I also love The Netherlands however, and while the weather sucks *a lot*, it is my home. Thing is, so is New Zealand.

Having lived in The Netherlands these past two years, I am now heading back to NZ. To decide. To figure out, hopefully once and for all, which of these two amazing countries is the one I want to settle down in.

I went to NZ when I was 15 before heading back to Europe a year later, then back to NZ, back to Europe, back to NZ and back to Europe. After the past two years in Europe, I'm turning 28 in four weeks, and really - I've been waiting to start living from the time I was 15. Waiting for something definite, some sort of sign, something to tell me where I belong, where I want to settle down, where I want to build an actual life and live it, instead of waiting for something to change again.

It's time to decide where that life will be. And having to make that decision, well to be honest, it scares me. It not only means having to actually commit to the situation and the country I'll be living in, but it also means choosing one option and letting go of the other option, at least for the foreseeable future.

It feels like I'm asking myself to cut off my wings, and that's a rather scary feeling. It's a scary decision to make. It's also the grown-up thing to do, and when push comes to shove, it is a decision I want to make, however as much as I want to make that decision, there is a part of me that would like to put that decision, that choice, off for a few more years.

So I apologise if I'm annoyed at you or look lost for no reason. I apologise if I don't laugh at everything I would normally be giggling about, and if I am a bit more snappy and bitchy than I usually am. It's just that this decision, this choice, it has to be an emotional one. And well, as everyone who knows me will  know - I don't like emotions all that much! Give me cold hard facts, decisions requiring only logic, easy yes/no  choices I can decide on by listing the pros and the cons - those I'm fine with. In emotion, there are no pros and cons. There is only what my heart tells me and what I feel in my gut. It's about instinct and what feels right.

Having to answer possibly life-changing questions using my heart and my gut and my feelings, well yeah - that scares me. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision, and that a year or two or even five years from now I'll look back at my life and wish I'd chosen differently. So - nothing to do but go on this holiday, eyes wide open, and try to figure out what feels right to me. Wish me luck!